New Age Maintains Old Foolishness

Since I'm interested in the use of magick in everyday life, I have quite a few friends who are into alternative religions, symbolic or psychedelic rituals, divinations, and other practices that are certain to send them straight to Hell. I also enjoy spending time in on-line chat rooms where magick and witchcraft are the subjects.

(I differentiate between "magick"-the use of controlled thought and ritual to produce a result-and stage "magic.")

In these rooms, you're likely to encounter a good deal of argument among the Pagans (sometimes quite acrimonious) on matters of religious doctrine, history, ethics, magickal technique-in short, exactly the kind of debates you might hear in a room full of Christian clergy. Sometimes, this is interesting. Just as often, though, it points up the disturbing fact that bigotry and stupidity know no religion.

Occasionally, these chat rooms are visited by angry Christians, looking to threaten us with damnation, or by pitying Christians, urging us to read the Bible and come to Jesus. In both cases, their arguments boil down to, "The Bible says it's so, therefore it's so." As annoying as they are, an awful lot of the Pagans in these chat rooms (most are Wiccan, but you'll encounter just about any other new-agey tradition as well) are every bit as dogmatic, self-righteous and patronizing-not to mention intellectually dishonest.

(For instance, at least once an evening, some tyro will enter the chat room to ask for a love-spell. Immediately, half the population of the room will be in her face, telling her that it's "against the rede" to cast spells that manipulate other people. Point one: Any time we dress seductively, engage in witty banter or otherwise make a conscious effort to attract someone, we are trying to manipulate that person. Point two: If love-spells worked, none of us would be wasting our time in a damn chat room-rede or no rede!)

A great many Wiccans or related Pagans praise their religion on the grounds that it's older than any other (or at least older than Christianity)-as though the age of an idea were proof positive of its validity. Well, the idea that you can get a clap from a toilet seat is a pretty old one, too. In fact, Wicca as we know it today is a very new religion-about 50 years old-and its rituals and tenets are based on an extremely sketchy and historically doubtful reconstruction of various pre-Christian Northern European beliefs and traditions. For the most part, these beliefs are as bizarre as those of Christianity. To take them seriously requires faith, rather than reason.

Some Pagans (particularly those of Irish or Scots descent) pretend to a certain social superiority on the grounds that they were born into the religion: The farther back you can trace your family's observation of the "old ways," the cooler you are.

This is an interesting contrast to monotheistic religions, where converts often claim a special cachet over those who were born into the faith. Born-again Christians can't shut up about their new selves; Muslim converts often don robes and burnooses; a convert to Judaism will tend to let drop the remark that she's "just a nice Jewish girl," every 10 minutes. (You almost never encounter a male convert to Judaism-Sammy Davis? Okay, name another-but quite a few teenage girls do it because they once read Anne Frank's diary and decided it would be oh-so-romantic to be a member of an oppressed minority-and becoming a Jew was easier than changing skin color.)

But at least we can assume that these people converted to their religions as the result of considerable thought: They're not just doing something because their parents did it. Pagans who boast of their family's background in their religion are engaging in snobbism indistinguishable from that which fuels the Daughters of the American Revolution.

In any case, Pagans are very rarely able to renounce Christianity, or Jesus in particular. I could buy a lot of gin if I had a dollar for every time I've heard (from someone who claims not to be a Christian): "I believe Jesus was a great man/great teacher"; "I agree with the teachings of Christ"; "If Jesus saw what people were doing in his name, he'd be really pissed off." In general, such comments translate to, "Listen, I don't want to call myself a Christian, because that's so low-class-but I'm going to say nice things about Jesus just so I won't get hit with a lightning bolt."

In fact, according to the Bible, Jesus was often unreasonable, irascible and vicious. Some of his actions are inexplicable unless you want to admit that he was a sado-masochistic psychopath. If I had to choose some other person on whom to model myself, Jesus of Nazareth would not even be on my long list. But nearly everyone will automatically acknowledge him to be one of the best and wisest of men, because to do otherwise would doubtless invite all kinds of fearsome consequences.

Another frequently-asked question from newcomers to a Pagan chat-room is, "Is a male witch called a 'warlock'?"

Invariably, some five or six people in the chat room will jump on the questioner, explaining that real witches never use the word "warlock," that it's a very naughty word (having been invented by Christian bigots). Male witches, they add, are just called witches (although there are usually a couple of female chauvinists in the room who will only grudgingly admit that there's any such thing as a male witch).

I always tell these newbies that �warlock� is an obscure wrestling hold that will, properly applied, cause your opponent to bite his own balls.

Actually, there is another name for a male witch: "Sensitive new-age guy trying to get laid."

- Josephus Rex Imperator

copyright 2000 by Joseph Dobrian