the royal cats "Love" is most nearly defined, in my case, as "that emotion that I feel almost invariably for a cat, and very rarely for a woman." I have three cats, and I have three only because my apartment isn't big enough for 20.

Quanah may be partially Abyssinian, although of doubtful pedigree, since the typical Aby markings appear on his coat only in splotches. He's mostly white. He's a big good-natured muscle-bound palooka; if he were human, he'd be nicknamed "Moose," and he'd play tackle on his high-school football team.

Lutz is the darkest grey possible without being black, but you only notice this when you brush him and find grey fur on the brush. He looks blacker than black, and shiny like onyx. Although he's full-grown, he still has a kitten's face and personality, and probably always will have: playful, mischievous, and insufferably demanding.

Fanny is the eldest. She was rather tubby until Quanah and Lutz came on the scene, but constant wrestling matches and games of tag with the two of them keep her trim. She's curious, and by far the most self-confident of the three: always the first to come out of hiding and check out my guests.

Many people, even a lot of people who HAVE cats, don't like them. "Oh, they're so aloof, so stuck-up, so independent," they'll say. This is a horrible misconception, largely based on the fact that these people expect cats to act like dogs. They won't try to understand a cat's world, or a cat's way of thinking; the only interaction these folks have with a cat is to swat it with a newspaper and say, "Get off my chair." For crying out loud, if that's all a cat gets from you, why would it want to be friendly to you? I've lived with cats all my adult life, and I think I know something about how to enjoy them (plural, since I believe most cats are happier with at least one other cat in the house). Here are just a few suggestions: Let the cat do what it wants. If you let the cat check out the kitchen worktable, it'll realize that it's not such an interesting place, after all, and not as nice to sleep on as the sofa. If it wants to join you at dinner, why not? Cats are clean, and they don't eat much anyway. Never walk by a cat without petting it, unless the cat is sound asleep. For one thing, it's very calming to touch a furry animal. For another, the cat likes it. This is a no-brainer. If the cat is sitting on your favorite chair, don't throw it off, or shoo it off. If you really must have that chair, use guile, not crude force. One good approach is the "kill 'em with kindness" tactic: Start petting the kitty vigorously, tickling its tummy and kissing it on the snout and talking baby talk in a high squeaky voice: "Does Daddy love his little tiddy pot? Is oo Daddy's snuggly kitty?" and on and on until the cat has to go somewhere else to vomit. The other, slightly less annoying approach, is to do as cats themselves do if they're trying to man�uvre another cat off of a favorite sleeping spot: Ease yourself onto the chair, taking up as much space as you can without actually sitting on the cat, then taking additional territory about an inch at a time until the cat gets the message and moves off. Don't be put off by a cat's occasionally biting or clawing you. Most humans make the mistake of punishing a cat for this, when in fact the cat was almost certainly trying to show affection. Each of my cats engages in different violent endearments: Fanny stretches languidly as she strops her foreclaws on my leg, then hops up into my lap; Quanah bites me rather hard on the wrist to initiate a wrestling match; Lutz sits in my lap and chews my fingers, one by one, as though they were strips of rawhide. (When you're having a friendly wrestle with a cat, it will sometimes forget that you don't have a fur covering, and will get its claws into you in a rather painful way. Instead of freaking out and yelling at the cat, just freeze. Hold perfectly still, and the cat will sense that it's gone too far. Then, if you need to, you can reach in with your free hand and ease its claws out of your flesh.) Speaking of claws: You can have nice, expensive furniture, or you can have cats. You cannot have both. Get that through your goddam head. (And if you're one of those loads who is capable of having a cat de-clawed, I don't want to hear about it.) If your cat brings you little presents, like birds or mice, accept them. The cat thinks it's taking care of you! It knows YOU can't catch a mouse, and it wants to be sure you have enough to eat. Never, NEVER scold the cat for bringing these little treats home. Instead, pet the cat and say, "Oh, thank you, you clever kitty! WHAT a clever kitty you are! How would Daddy get along without kitty?" What you do with the mouse afterwards is none of the cat's business-but if you're going to throw it out, do wait til the cat's not watching. Give each cat lots of names. I don't know why this is important, but it is. Quanah, for instance, is known not only by his official name, but as Piggy (for his long pink snout and coarse coat, like a pig's), Parky (after his namesake, Quanah Parker), Moose-Boy, Cutlass-Claws, The Quanmeister, and Q-Man the Cute Man. This is by no means an exhaustive list of rules, and no doubt other cat lovers can suggest others. - Josephus Rex Imperator copyright 2000 by Joseph Dobrian home | occupation | recreation | avocation | aeration | proclamation